Well, kids – the wait is over! Axl and company finally, finally … finally, released “Chinese Democracy”, the long anticipated (if not exactly anxiously awaited) new Guns N Roses album. And I listened to it (through my best headphones – to give it every available opportunity). It deserved at least that.

Now, before I go all “scathing rock-critic” and reach for my thickest thesaurus to find a couple equally alliterative synonyms for “dismal dogshit”, let me lay some well-deserved groundwork.

I first heard “Appetite For Destruction” when I was about fourteen or fifteen. (It came out in…‘87? Yes, I think.) Anyway, it was, at the time, a corrosive and callous record, full of screams and squeals that my parents absolutely hated and that was more than enough reason to love it. But, it was also – to put it in the lingo of the times – kick fucking ass. And really, it still is. There is no denying, even if you aren’t a fan, that it made a definite mark on the face of “rock-n-roll” (whatever that was by that time) and should be credited for that, if nothing else. Aside from the gag-inducing “Paradise City” (a song I have never liked simply because even though it somewhat seemed to forecast a “Nirvana-esque” childlike simplicity in composition, it missed the mark for me somehow in a BIG way and has always sounded more like the looping music of a child’s cartoon with its insipid “grass is green and the girls are pretty” lyric repeated until your appetite for destruction – or anything else – is completely ruined. I’m thankful that was the only track on the album that annoyed me to the point of nausea. But, aside from that, the album did EXACTLY what rock and roll music was supposed to do. It rocked – and it pissed off parents. Not something that Oingo Boingo or Culture Club were really excelling at. So, with my CASSETTE TAPE copy of the album (shut up, I’m old) I would flip and flip and flip it that summer until I knew every nuance of it (excepting the cartoon ditty) front and back.

After that, I can honestly say I never got into them so heavily again. “Spaghetti Incident” and that double box-set “Lies” (or whatever) never seemed to produce anything that could measure up to the tracks on “Appetite”, and really nothing could. Once you do an album like that, where do you go? Do you hope to top it? Perhaps. Is that a realistic expectation? Perhaps not. So… while my GNR knowledge wanes quite a bit after that groundbreaking album, it still remains a fact that not much they did after that really floated my boat in quite the same way. And yes, maybe part of it was because I got older and really, does music really affect you any more than it does during the summer you’re fifteen? Rarely.

So, Axl goes to Brazil or some shit and grows dreadlocks for 15 years. By all accounts he always was a special kind of asshole. Walking offstage in a angry huff usually, or else making racist or disparaging comments about someone. He was white-trash exemplified, but you had to, if not admire, but credit, him for his blatant honesty of that fact. Frankly, I’ve never seen a more Whiskey-Tango front-man in all my life. (And I’ve seen Whitesnake LIVE! …..KIDDING) Unless you happen to attend Neo-Nazi concerts in southern Georgia, I think you’d be hard pressed to find a more suitable candidate for someone who may have induced David Duke to buy a rock poster. That being said, what was poor Axl to do?

And let’s be honest here. Robert Plant without Jimmy page is just not quite as desirable, is it? You can put Ronnie Van Zant’s cousin or nephew or drunken redneck neighbor (or whoever the fuck that guy is) in front of all the guys who weren’t on the ill-fated plane but – that don’t make it fucking Skynyrd, now does it? Not by a goddamn long shot. I hate to be a spoil sport, but “Chinese Democracy” has no SLASH. That’s like having tomato soup without a grilled cheese. A bagel without cream cheese. A pizza without a beer. An orgasm without a partner. Its can only be HALF as good, no matter what. No offense to Bumblefoot or Buckethead or Robin Finck or whoever is doing the guitar work on any given track, but – you aint fuckin SLASH and therefore, thank you, but fuck you. To put it plainly. At least Slash had the decency to move on to another project under a new name.

So, I don’t think the new album is “dogshit”. In fact, its far from it. And its so new, perhaps I should allow it at least the decency of letting it grow on me. BUT, that was something that “Appetite” never had to do. Grow on me. Maybe I’m older now. Maybe it was better then. Who knows for sure. I know there are die hard fans who will love it no matter what and those that will be disappointed in its long-delayed anti-climax. But despite everything, breaking the shackles of previous success is never an easy task. So, regardless of musical opinions, (after all we could have been left to trying to air guitar to R.E.M.) you have to hand it to the dreadlocked asshole (WHICH IS WHAT HE WANTS TO BE). He may not be dancing with Mr. Brownstone anymore, but at least he’s still trying to dance.

Go ahead and rip, you podes.

~Johann

That was freaking BEAUTIFUL!
That’s the best quote I’ve ever heard lol.

Beau Tyler
Rescue Signals

Tell that to Trent Reznor who turned 43 and is on top of his game.